by Daniel A. Kaufman
Though I voted for Hilary Clinton in the last US presidential election, I knew that Donald Trump was going to win, months before voters went to the polling stations, and it seems that the same thing is likely to happen in 2020, regardless of who ends up being the Democratic nominee. Accordingly, I have made bets with some of my overconfident progressive friends, something I also did back in 2016, the result of which was a nice bundle of cash for a charity of my choosing. In the wake of that election, I suggested that the Democrats’ current coalition of minorities, environmentalists, LGBTQIA+ activists and cosmo-globalists, and our preferred strategy of accusing everyone else in the country of being “deplorables” of one kind or another, is an electoral loser and may very well make popular-vote wins/electoral losses the norm.† Alas, my party has learned nothing from its 2016 loss and if anything, seems even more politically clueless than it was then. Whatever their fixation, whether Kavanaugh or Mueller or Smollett or the Covington Boys, Democrats seem incapable of finding the plot, preferring instead to engage in their favorite activities: the circular firing squad, the purity purge, and the shark jump.
As I am generally an unhappy loser and in light of the fact that we have only ourselves to blame for our inability to defeat a vulgar degenerate like Trump, I offer the following advice to our candidates on how not to lose to him again. Please note that this is political advice and should be taken as such. Wear a mouthguard while reading, if you are prone to grinding your teeth.
(1) Pretend that you have never heard of Ta-Nehisi Coates, and drop all of this pandering bullshit about black reparations, right now. And make sure none of you are ever seen with Al Sharpton or Louis Farrakhan again.
(2) Voting-rights-for-felons is another surefire loser. Drop it too.
(3) Require Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, and Ilhan Ohmar to remain in an un-disclosed location during the election season. If possible, do not bring them back, even after the election is over.
(4) Immediately cease or refrain from using the following terms and expressions (this list may be expanded as needed):
“___ of color” “literal”
“___ spaces” “problematic”
“Identity / Identify” “cancel”
“___ phobic” “hate”
“___ voices” “deeply” (esp. when paired with “troubling”)
(5) When made aware of hate-crime reports that a first-grader could tell are hoaxes, avoid commenting and certainly don’t promote legislation on the basis of them.
(6) Never include a list of preferred pronouns as part of any bio or in the signature of any correspondence.
(7) Do not compare yourself or other candidates to Spartacus or any other hero from classical antiquity.
(8) Stop broadcasting alarmist climate-change messages, such as “[Fill in your favorite coastal city] will be under water by 20—” If you absolutely must, set the date far enough away that you will no longer be in politics by the time it comes.
(9) Refrain from attacking your fellow primary contenders for being “too white,” “too old,” “too male,” “too straight,” or any combination thereof.
(10) Enact a moratorium on calling people “bigots” or any of its cognates.
(11) Act as if you care about the people living in the rural and de-industrialized parts of the country. If you cannot bring yourself to do this, at least try not to openly insult them. (Also see (10))
(12) When considering a matter of bitter contention between .6% of the population and 51% of the population, side with the 51%.
(13) Get off of Twitter, immediately.
(14) Stop it with the impeachment nonsense.
(15) Never mention the “Green New Deal” again.
(16) Focus on serious issues, like what the hell we’re going to do when globalization and automation eliminate every non-skilled and low-skilled job in the US, and talk about Trump as little as possible, and you will win. Easily.